Every Wednesday, we’d count the papers
We’d have a laugh at the people in their suits
No one seemed to notice how she was different, but I did, and I knew
Yeah, I knew
Oh, I knew
Yeah, I knew
New Year’s Eve snuck up on me. But, there I was walking the stairs up to the 4 room “frat house” above Dossil’s scuba shop. Balancing a case of Heineken under my left arm and a bottle of Jack Daniels in my right, you could say definitively that I came prepared for the party. I was able to work until 10:00 pm, so the big money maker evening wasn’t a total wash.
Before I could knock, the door swung open and there stood Brian, holding one of those throw away cameras, locked & loaded in my direction. He got a few snaps off and I laughed, trying to block my face while realizing I had no free hand to do so. That was him, he was unpredictable, unpretentious, & unapologetic. And, it appeared, I happened to like those qualities in him.
He noticed I was packin’ and was quick to offer aid, reaching out and clearing my clutter “Here, let me help you”. Gladly accepting, I handed over the goods. Brian was hot, and it came naturally. He wasn’t a primadonna, not by a longshot. There was something attractive about a guy who could keep it simple, yet have it fit so perfectly. And that was him. Baggy jeans, an Element skate tee, backwards fitted over his sandy blonde hair, and a pair of DVS’. His confidence pulled it all together, and that’s one of the traits I found most appealing. Plus, he had a kilowatt smile that melted me instantly, beautiful blue eyes, and was genuinely sweet.
We walked into the screened-in front porch where a few people were smoking and conversing. I’d been introduced to his roommates at an earlier visit, so we exchanged “Hi’s” & “How ya doin?” to the ones outside. Nice guys. Brian opened the door and we entered the living room, half-filled with a mingling accumulation of party goers. He introduced me to everyone. One person I recognized immediately was his ex-girlfriend, Rebecca. The last few times I’d hung out with Brian, she’d show up at his place – and according to him, it was uninvited. That was a major red-flag for this kid, and part of the reason I was having trouble taking a relationship with him seriously. Who the hell wants to hang out with their boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend? Three’s a crowd, bitch. For whatever reason she’d be in attendance, skulking with a hopeless desperation I found to be a bit pathetic. Honestly, I felt sorry for her. Nobody seemed to want her around, but she’d show up randomly hoping to stoke the fire of the “old days”. Because they dated, she obviously knew the roomies, and tried to make it seem like she was there to hang with them. But, nobody ever took responsibility for inviting her over, so it just didn’t add up. After she’d left the fellas would look around at one another, confused about why she kept showing up, all insisting it wasn’t them who sent the invite. I was good on it, but for now I remained polite. You could tell it made Bri uncomfortable, but he just pretended she wasn’t there. I, on the other hand, had a hard time playing make believe.
We dropped the package goods in the kitchen where more people were hanging around. Everyone was super sociable & friendly. We popped a couple of Heineken tops and got right to work on the JD. Clinking shot glasses and bottle necks, we cheers’d to the New Year. Who knew what it had to offer, but we both hoped it would be a positive & prosperous 2004. From there, he challenged me to a game of foosball, to which I gladly accepted, but the line of “we got next” was fairly long so we chose to wait it out in his room.
Brian was funny, and our sense of humor was in sync. We’re both a little saucy, sarcastic, and sheepheaded. When I was around him there wasn’t anywhere else I’d rather be. It was cozy, instantly comfortable, always able to be myself, and we never ran out of things to talk about. Bri made me feel valuable. When he asked questions he craved my answers. He was contemplative, Both equally inquisitive and interested in what the other had to offer. We just clicked, and it was easy. In his own way he was very cultivated and gentlemanly without going overboard. He kept it real without being overbearing, or trying too hard. And truth be told, I totally dug him, and us, together.
Getting to know him only intensified my feelings for him. He was born in Ohio (I could see past that minor flaw), and his parents moved to NJ when he was still a bambino. Like many, he came from a broken home, parents divorced when he was 13, and he took it hard. Bri split his time between both parents, but had wished his relationship with his Dad was better. In all honesty, he never wanted the divorce to take place – just like so many of us from divided households. Due to work obligations, his pops wasn’t around much, and I think he took it personally. He got along with his Mom, but longed for the times when the family was together. His Dad seemed to understand him, while his Mom tolerated him. That’s tough.
Apparently, his Mom just decided one day to dissolve the relationship – no forewarning, no indication that things were beyond repair, just “I’m done”. His father pleaded with her to stick it out for the kids, but she was over his travel and tireless work schedule. She was bored, she felt alone, and she was raising kids by herself. Betty simply had enough. Brian had two sisters, one older, one younger. He adored his little sister, a brilliant young woman who was one of the sweetest people I’d ever met. She stepped up big for Brian during the divorce, being the selfless soul she was. Needless to say, they were tight through the tough times, super tight now (2003), and it would be safe to assume they remain tight to this day.
The JD burned my throat, but it was smooth and went down easy. So we bucked up and slammed down 2 more. Everyone seemed to really dig Bri. Guests of his roommates, his roommates, and even people he hardly knew in attendance were drawn to him like a conference of conversation, so curious and absorbed. I admired his steez, no doubt. He was a slick cat, carefree, comfortable & casual.
His sense of humor was whimsical and animated. There was no such thing as Brian taking himself too seriously, and I just sat back and marveled him in his domain. He always brought me into the convo, and never made me feel like a third wheel. And that smile mixed with those insanely icy blue eyes absolutely melted me. Like, puddle on the ground, putty in your hands. They were crystal blue, Caribbean sea. And when he shot me a glance I was locked in a trance. He downplayed all of his assets. But I definitely felt like the winner to be with him.
We grabbed 4 Heineken’s and the bottle of Jack and headed into his room. It was quaint, bed in the right back corner, a desk and computer, a TV always on something sports related – tonight it was Devils hockey and I was game. He offered me the chair as he sat on the bed. I declined the offer and sat next to him. He smiled shyly. “I’m super pumped you came,” he told me as he poured us two sloppy shots. “Thanks for inviting me.” And I’d meant it. If it were up to me, we’d spend the rest of the night in this room just talking.
I popped the bottle tops off with a lighter and we clinked necks. He hit the button on a remote and music filled the zone. His taste in music was unrestricted, which I loved. He was an aficionado of the obscure, and that interested me. Pennywise, Bad Religion, Avail, Borealis, and Face to Face. Brian was authentic, no apologies, and I couldn’t get enough. On the first or second night that we’d hung out we dedicated songs to each other. To this day I wish I had come up with a better song, but I jumped the gun and still regret that I didn’t give it more time & more thought, although in the moment I was feeling it for us. He chose “Touch Me” by The Doors. It was understated, thoughtful, and sweet, and that was Bri. He took it a step further and aced the assignment with a local band jam from the Bouncing Souls. Quick Chek Girl – and I’d be lying if I said it’s not on my work playlist today. Just a reminder of how things used to be; of how things could have been. I still get goosebumps when I hear it. I went with Mary J & Method Man (let’s be real, it’s a banger) “You’re All I Need.” And I thought back then that we would walk down the aisle to those songs. Ah, life.
On a wall behind his door was a wooden shelf, three tiers, loaded with skate vids. The kid could shred, too. “Pick one,” he pointed, noticing my in-awe face. I walked over and fingered the boxes. Vhs, mainly, some DVDs. My dad, who grew up in the 70’s, spent his younger years attached to surfboards and skateboards. He was so excited when I caught the bug, and took great pleasure in teaching me the ropes. Him and I spent many dawns patrolling the ocean, overwhelmed by the peace and serenity, the glorious backdrop always captivated me as we paddled out; we also spent many nights having little shred sessions in the garage while Zeppelin christened the humid space and my enjoyment became a passion as I began practicing & developing proficiency on the board. Those were the days.
With a self-satisfied smile I grab the VHS and turn on my heel, “I’ve gotta roll with Toy Machine’s Jump off a Building!” He nods in agreement and takes the tape, “You’ve got good taste.” In my head I’m thinking, “Obviously, I’m sitting here with you,” but I keep that elated truth to myself. Quick backstory – Elissa Steamer (Ft. Myers born & bred, who frequented the park on Grand Ave where we’d smoke cigs and watch in awe, was the first female pro street skater and had deals with The Firm, Real, Toy Machine (founded & owned by Ed Templeton & Chad Muska), Baker, Zero (Jamie Thomas), Etnies;) filmed her part with Jamie Thomas undertaking the camera work at my High School. How dope is that?!
He popped the tape in and I was amazed at how effortless his cool was. The shots were kicking in, and it hit me all at once. My gaze never left him, watching his movements with genial bliss. He hopped back on the bed and brought me into him, wrapped his arms around me and pulled me back. I felt a charge that inflamed my body – feverish and frantic. His chin resting on my shoulder, feeling his breath on my neck..nerves hyperactive and stirred, wishing silently that pull my chin in his direction and kiss me. And that’s exactly what he did.
Confessions of an Outlaw Junkie 